Estrangement is defined as “a breakdown in a relationship, such as a relationship with a spouse or family member, where there is no longer any communication, or communication has become hostile, and the individuals lead separate lives.”
And these breakdowns in family relationships are more common than you might think.
“One US study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs found that 10% of mothers were currently estranged from at least one adult child.” And the percentage of people who had experienced family estrangement was as “high as 40%,” which makes estrangement “almost as common as divorce.” 1
No matter how wealthy or well-known, no one is immune to the problem. The English actor Anthony Hopkins admitted that he has “barely spoken with his daughter in two decades.” And personalities like Meghan Markle have brought attention to the topic with her much publicized estrangement from her father.
The reasons for an estrangement can be complex, but basically it is when one individual severs all contact with a person or persons, who are viewed as the source of real or imagined harm and/or seen as a real or imagined threat to their well-being. And an estrangement will mean going forward that there will be limited opportunities to recover or repair the relationship because there is no communication. Estrangements can go on for months, years or a lifetime.
And even in my small orbit of friends and family, I have seen these breakdowns.
A friend in the US came from a large, Irish-Catholic family of eight children. One day she revealed that she didn’t speak to a few of her siblings. She was a larger than life character, who lived with passion and gusto. Thinking about she and her seven siblings in one room, I imagined the din would have been the equivalent of a large audience yelling during a bloody boxing match combined with a choir aggressively singing the Hallelujah chorus! I never asked for details but I got the impression the schism came from political differences.
Another family had a serious disagreement because of a scheduling conflict for a wedding, resulting in a huge rupture. The feud has been going on for years and it’s unlikely to end because there isn’t a real solution other than both sides agreeing to put the problem aside and begin again. But some of the things said were so offensive and some actions so egregious, this simply may not be possible—apologies may never be sufficient and like any ‘strange’ estrangement, it may never be healed.
Sibling jealousy and deep psychological problems resulted in another family breakdown that I have witnessed. It would take a monumental emotional shift on the part of the person who has chosen estrangement to repair the situation because it is easier for them to blame others than take responsibility for their actions. This issue has been going on for years.
When faced with an estrangement, it’s recommended to speak to a therapist. But their professional advice might surprise you. One therapist advised his clients not to waste any precious time trying to solve the problem. In his experience, apparently, it didn’t help and the best choice for those people who are shunned was to live in the present and to “get on with their life.” His advice freed the clients from feeling guilty about their inability to find a solution, and acknowledged that individuals who chose estrangement as a response to problems are not really interested in or equipped to face the serious issues that started the problem in the first place. The best advice for anyone who has been on the receiving end of a family estrangement is to go forward and live your best life even in an estranged world.
1 Christine Ro, ‘The Truth About Family Estrangement,’ https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190328-family-estrangement-causes, BBC, 2019. 8 March 2025.
